How My Failures Turned into Success
Why Care About Self-Compassion?
The question that many of us have when someone brings up the topic of self-compassion is almost always one of disbelief — what even is it? How will it ever be useful to me? If I have learned anything about self-compassion, it’s that it doesn’t run necessarily opposite the direction of self-improvement. It’s not something that has to deter from my success, and if anything it can be a powerful tool is moving forward.
Rejection has been integral to helping me find what I wanted to do. When I was a kid in middle school, I remember one of the things I always wanted: to play on the boys’ basketball team at school. I remember every fall, right around the time we are in actually as I write this — spending hours on end every week training for tryouts — in the gym, in my driveway, with friends, and even when I had no else to train with, I made the time to work on my skills. Becoming a better basketball player wasn’t only about being popular with me. In fact, most in not all of the values I received came as a result of exercising discipline, determination, and details. Basketball was a part of my character I thought I could never be without.
Until… the actual tryouts came along. Year after year I was cut. Year after year I realized I wasn’t good enough. Year after year.
This went on until I had to eventually step away from the game. After lots of self-reflection, I realized that it wasn’t really basketball that I was after — it was my own sense of self-validation. And I had to come to terms with knowing that basketball was not in control of how I felt about myself. I had to take on self-compassion, which as described in The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook (2018), “involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time,” (Neff). I had to realize that I needed to be in control of how I felt about myself, and the best version of who I am would be self-aware enough to find the things in which he truly felt fulfilled.
Witness to Blessing — What Happen When You Give Compassion
Trigger Warning: for the sake of candor, I’ve described a scene below that involves blood, and moments of extreme suspense. If these details may prove unsettling, you are more than welcome to forgo reading beyond this point.
With my newfound sense of self-worth, I eventually graduated high school. Feeling bold, I moved halfway across the country to attend college in San Francisco. Being without my parents for the first time, there was a part of me that was always on edge — I mean, who would bother to help a young kid out in the big city?
Nonetheless, one of the most memorable instances of blessing which I can remember, happened as I was leaving a local gym one morning. The gym was right on the corner of the street, and as I was walking out of the building I looked to my right — and along the wall there lay a bloody corpse on the sidewalk, with its back alongside the wall of the building.
My mind absolutely shut down. But then, I realized the corpse was still alive. Actually, it was an old woman — and the blood was mostly just on her face. Her face was pointed down at the pavement, but since the street was on a hill I was still looking up at her, and I could see a sense of shame on her expression.
Leaving the scene just didn’t seem right to me. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but for some reason, I knew I at least had to be there as a witness to her suffering. As Rachel Remen states in her book Kitchen Table Wisdom (2010), “there is no need to demand the dawn, the dawn is simply a matter of time,” (Remen). Thankfully, just then I saw a group of three coming up the street. There were two younger women who looked to be in their late 20’s, and between them was a white-haired man who I presumed was their father. Right afterward we saw an ambulance truck parked up the street.
I couldn’t believe it — I mean, who would bother to help a little old lady out in the big city? The older man went and called the ambulance car drivers to pick up the old woman. I went inside the gym and brought out wipes to help clean her up. Even though this all happened within the span of minutes, I left the street corner feeling more energized than I had ever been before, and newly inspired by the goodness that humans are capable of.
What Does This Have to do with Technology?
Just as the steam engines of the Industrial Revolution were invented to transform useless coal into fuel, I am inspired to believe that technology should be used to transform our sorrows into new hope, and eventually success. This transformation, as described by Nahid Angha, means “To depart from the way-station of ignorance and journey to towards the destination of understanding and knowledge, and to arrive ultimately at the city of truth,” (Angha).
Once I decided to embrace my other interests outside of basketball, I finally came out of my shell. I felt like I belonged, and I realized what had prevented me from feeling accepted all those years amongst my peers — it was that I hadn’t accepted myself for who I really am, and the people to whom I could really bring value.
I am glad today for failing to make the basketball team. It enabled me to see myself differently, and my friendships even improved as a result of becoming more relatable. To cap things off, I even became a leader, and could help others in their problems. I began a club at school called Teen Tech Support, and organized my peers and I volunteered to help senior citizens in the local community to fix the computers they otherwise struggled with. My journey of self-discovery started right where it had began — the team I had always wanted to be a part of, was within me the whole time.
Works Cited
Angha, Nahid. The Journey: Seyr Va Soluk. International Association of Sufism Publications, 1991.
Dragotta, TJ. “Basketball Image.” Unsplash, Unsplash, 28 Feb. 2018, unsplash.com/photos/Gl0jBJJTDWs?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink.
Kabajev, Artyom. “Senior Citizens.” Unsplash, Unsplash, 19 Oct. 2020, unsplash.com/photos/_aduPjJvDx4?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink.
Neff, Kristin, and Christopher K. Germer. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Guilford Press, 2018.
Remen, Rachel Naomi. Kitchen Table Wisdom. Pan Macmillan Australia, 2010.
Yo, Mikita. “Ambulance Image.” Unsplash, Unsplash, 20 July 2020, unsplash.com/photos/UC9s2TkvN1Y?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink.
